The "Fear of God" Talk

I need your help, all you dads out there. My daughter is fifteen going on sixteen and has a boyfriend. Fortunately, he's a great kid and doesn't have his license yet, so they aren't really dating. He comes over to our house to watch movies, Rebecca goes over there to eat or play board games or cards. They've started sitting together in church. Once his dad dropped them off at this little Italian place for dinner and said to call when they were ready to go. They were done in 25 minutes. Sometimes I think they would rather text from a distance than have a real conversation. It's all innocent enough. But it's coming. I know it's coming. So, I'm trying to prepare for that "fear of God" talk I plan to have with any young man who has the nerve to date my daughter.

Somebody asked Charles Barkley what he was going to do now that his daughter was growing up and boys were going to be coming around wanting to date his daughter. His reply was classic. "I figure if I kill the first one, word will get around." Now I am not usually prone to violence, and angry threats don't come naturally to me. But this is my daughter, my princess.

Rebecca has a special ring tone on my cell phone. When she calls me it sounds like a royal trumpet fanfare, so that I know immediately the princess is calling. I'm okay with that, but I did have to remind her that there is only one way a little girl gets to be a princess - her dad has to be the king!

So, lately I've been collecting things to say, questions to ask, in my "fear of God" talk I am preparing. Here's what I have so far:
  • First, I want you to know, I got no problem going back to prison.
  • Do you understand that 11:00 is my daughter's curfew and your deadline?
  • Feel how sharp my old hunting knife is.
  • Did you hear about that other boy about your age who turned up missing and has never been found?
  • Are you familiar with the phrase "drawn and quartered"?
  • What bone in your body would you least want to have broken?
Then, here's a couple just for us pastor/dads:
  • Did you know God watches everything you do wherever you go? And, since I'm a pastor, God tells me whatever He sees.
  • If you were to die a sudden, violent death, is there anything special you would like for me to say at your funeral?
I know, it needs work. I'm just getting started. Help me out here, dads. Any suggestions from those who have been there and done that?


Anonymous said…
It's funny. My experience with this is so different. My daughter is not attracted to chuckleheads. When she went out with boys they were rather timid and nervous. She was the social leader and is a strong young woman. She was pretty tough on them. I found myself encouraging them. ;-)
Anonymous said…
I love your attitude! :)
Drew Hill said…
RLP- Thanks, man. You've expanded my somewhat limited vocabulary and given me the perfect terminology for my daughter's suitors - chuckleheads. I love it.

And three cheers for your daughter. Sounds like she's something special. Mine, too. Dads and daughters. No wonder we get a little protective.
Anonymous said…
Dad of four daughters here (20,19,14,12). I'm a pretty reasonable guy except for when it comes to my girls. Once I made a young suitor take me on a driving test (he was 16) before he could drive my daughter anywhere. Awkward! I've also taken the sniffers to the gym for a little workout. I didn't come up with this line but I've only had to use it once: "I've got five acres and a shovel. Now go away. Far away." He quit his job and moved out of town.

I'm kind of like Gordon on this one. All of my posturing on this subject is mostly for fun. My girls are strong and confident and can run circles around these little boys; I just like pretending to be the gatekeeper. It gives me purpose.

Thanks for this post!

Larry Vaughan
Anonymous said…
I enjoyed this post.
I already got to call off a young man from my daughter who is 6.
The youngster kept tackling my daughter at AWANAs one night, my daughter complained and I took my son, 10, walked over and asked the boy if he really wanted to mess with someone from my family as he would be taking us all on.
He didn't.
Drew Hill said…
Thanks, Larry and Sam. Thanks for your help. That's great. You guys are an inspiration. I will continue to pretend to be the gatekeeper and stand up to any threat, age 6 and up.
Anonymous said…

My oldest daughter is turning 13 in September so I've not gone through this yet. I'm taking notes. I've said though that she can't date until she's 40 though.

Perhaps borrow somebody's pit bull?
Anonymous said…
Ok, I am not a dad, but I had one (still do). The best tactic I ever saw out of him was no reaction and no all! Totally engrossed (at least pretending to be) in the television and no acknowledgement whatsoever. Nothing can make more of an impact on a guy that drove 17miles out of town to pick you up than no words, period. Worked for him and they were scared to death. The fact that we lived on a farm with a fully loaded gun cabinet by the front door could have a played a part as well!?! :-)
Drew Hill said…
kdm- A whole new approach - ignore them entirely and walk them past the gun cabinet, twice. That's perfect. It would have worked on me. Thanks. This has been a great discussion. -Drew

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