Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Electrical Problems of a Sixth Grade Boy

This is the second day of children's camp on the Lake of the Ozarks. I am camp pastor and I have a cabin full of boys who just finished the sixth grade, a really fun bunch of guys. I haven't been to children's camp for eight years, since our boys were small, but nothing has changed too much.

The sixth grade male of the human species is truly a unique and mysterious creature. Just starting on the road to manhood, hormones beginning to rage, suddenly shifting from being a disgusting slob to taking two or three showers a day and wearing enough cologne to knock a buzzard off a fencepost, and most noticeable of all, the syndrome I like to call TBD, Total Brain Disconnect.

You see, the brain of a sixth grade boy is an amazing creation, fast and furious, creative and competitive, able to do incredible feats such as remembering every single line from the last three Will Ferrell movies, and retaining and regurgitating Albert Pujols' current batting average, Kevin Garnett's playoff scoring, and Larry Johnson's yards per carry. And, he will never fail to recall that rare weak moment from months before when dad promised, "We'll get our own fireworks next year." What a mind!

The only problem is this - the brain of a sixth grade boy is not hardwired. It has no solid, dependable connection. At any given moment, without a hint of warning, a sixth grade boy can and likely will experience Total Brain Disconnect. Suddenly, in the middle of a day, a task, or even a sentence, the brain is no longer attached to the rest of the boy. His mind shorts out. A fuse is blown in his head. The power grid goes down. TBD. And you can bet that whatever he does next, from that moment, will make absolutely no rational sense. The boy's decision-making when this lapse occurs goes completely mindless, too dumb for words.

Fortunately, this is usually not a terminal condition, unless of course, some concerned parent or teacher or coach kills him. There is hope. The brain of a sixth grade boy can be reconnected, reset by a very specific form of physical therapy. This involves the application of a swift blow from behind, best applied with the foot, delivered with a strong upward motion, landing squarely on the butt, normally lifting the boy 1-3 inches off the floor.

This form of therapy is almost always effective at reconnecting the brain and restoring power to the boy's decision-making apparatus. When power is restored, the sixth grader will have no memory or explanation for the previous mindless behavior. Questions such as "What were you thinking, boy?" will yield little or no information, since the truth is, he wasn't thinking at all.

Well, camp is never dull with sixth grade boys. It's going to be a fun week. Stay tuned.

1 comment:

Real Live Preacher said...

Greetings,

Gordon Atkinson here from the High Calling. Really hilarious and true. Great work.

I'm looking forward to reading your work.